I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
