so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize