Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
