A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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