She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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