So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
