when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
