Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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