you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
