youre lurking in front of me
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
