just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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