I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
