One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
