you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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