i may or may not be watching the land before time
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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