I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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