She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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