I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
