Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
