Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
