I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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