wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
