I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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