My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My vagina is very pro this idea
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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