I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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