At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize