Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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