Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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