We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
