There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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