When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
A bitchslap is in order.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
