Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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