cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
