Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
