I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
