Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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