Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
