Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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