just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
