she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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