if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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