Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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