Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
