How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
