No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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