did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
