i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Holy shit dude........stairs
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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