Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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