I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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