There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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