my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
