ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
