we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
