There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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