my phone needs a breathalizer
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
