I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
