When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
