I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
