you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
