He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
