You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
