There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I can't put those talents on a resume
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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