Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
