i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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