My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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