hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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