Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the day after is always just damage control
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
