You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
