we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
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