that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
