I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
