I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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